Our Worshipful Dear Leaders
The people making you Google "how to move abroad." A who's who of unchecked ego, staggering incompetence, and the kind of loyalty that only flows upward.
Donald Trump
PresidentThe boss. Our current dear leader who demands worship from his stable cucks and hasn't met a woman he doesn't want to rape. Every post he makes is designed to stroke his own ego or swing the market in such extremes he can pocket ever more money.
Has called himself a "stable genius" on multiple occasions, which is exactly what a stable genius would do.
Stephen Miller
Deputy Chief of Staff for PolicyThe dearest leader of them all. His rise was foretold in a failed play written in 1984 called Mr. Miller goes to Washington. In it a young man with a humiliation kink heads to congress and meets his match in the form of an immigrant shoe shine boy. Enraged that the boy embraced his small penis instead of mocking him for it he embarks on a quest to purge the nation of immigrants and become the supreme leader to rule all 'heritage Americans'.
In third grade, he reportedly refused to pick up his trash because "that's what janitors are for." He has been consistent ever since.
JD Vance
Vice PresidentWent from calling Trump "America's Hitler" to becoming his VP in just a few short years. Wrote a bestselling memoir about Appalachian poverty, then pivoted to backing policies that would make it worse.
Can't even be bothered to stand up for his wife — likely because his mouth is always a little full or perhaps not so full.
Elon Musk
DOGE Czar / Shadow PresidentThe world's richest man is afraid of sex or perhaps his belly is too large to fit it in. He has all of his children via IVF and was too lame to get to run with the Epstein crowd. But don't worry he's anointed himself God Emperor of Mars and maybe Earth too. His dream is that we all bow down and worship him and build fat statues to his greatness.
Incels, if this body could get women before he was rich then so can you.
Pete Hegseth
Secretary of DefenseFormer Fox News weekend host turned Pentagon Chief. Fancies himself a leader of men but the only group that truly listens is his empty collection of gin bottles. You too can be qualified as SecDef — wait sorry SecWAR (IMA MAN!) — if you consume straight gin with every meal and get some questionable tattoos.
Once said he didn't wash his hands for 10 years because "germs are not a real thing."
Marco Rubio
Secretary of StateOnce called Trump a "con artist" on national television. Now serves as his top diplomat, representing America abroad with the conviction of a man who will say whatever the current moment requires.
His robotic repetition at the 2016 debate became so legendary that Chris Christie ended his campaign with it. Rubio survived — and learned to never repeat himself. Never repeat himself.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Secretary of Health and Human ServicesAmerica's top health official is a vaccine skeptic who thinks raw milk is a health food. Now oversees the FDA, CDC, and NIH — the agencies he spent years crusading against.
Once had a dead bear cub in his car and decided the logical thing to do was dump it in Central Park.
Kash Patel
FBI DirectorWrote a children's book casting Trump as a king before being appointed to lead the nation's top law enforcement agency. Published an enemies list. Yet is incapable of realizing the enemy is inside the house. No, not the other dear leaders, but his beloved girlfriend the likely Russian agent.
His children's book is called "The Plot Against the King" and it is exactly as subtle as you'd expect.
Steve Witkoff
Special Envoy to the Middle EastA real estate developer and Trump golf buddy whose diplomatic qualifications include building luxury condos and being available on weekends. Now tasked with brokering peace in the world's most complex conflict zone.
His primary foreign policy experience before this role was negotiating hotel deals in international markets, which is basically the same thing.